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Our Clutter

If my environment were a reflection of what's going on in my life and in my head, what would it be saying?

I know what it would say....I'm a freaking mess!!

Three Catagories:

- I love it and/or absolutely need it.
- I'm not sure if I love it or need it.
- I don't love it or need it anymore.

Line up places for your clutter to go when it leaves your house. Ie Library for books, women's shelter for personal items, consignment shop for clothes.

Monday May 12th

This morning I had an egg sandwich on an elglish muffin with some goat cheese. I don't know how much, Ed made it for me.

I broke into my lunch around 10am. I ate the cinnamon, sugar pita chips.

Then at 11:30 am I ate my potato crisps. I was hungry and couldn't wait until noon.

Noon I had a roast beef sandwich, no cheese (yay for me!), just a little wasabi mayo on two pieces of sourdough bread. It was tasy and filled me up completely.

I've felt the need to write about what I eat and feel since I read tha artciel last week.I have a sneaky suspision that I eat because I feel, not because I'm actually hungry. I feel sad, bored, depressed, happy, like a need a reward for a long day of working or just getting through another long day at the office. I think food is more a friend than nourishment. Not good.

More to come...


...everything hurts. For what I did, for who I am, it hurts. It just hurts.

The Outside Looking In

Today I feel more than ever on the outside of Tasha’s world looking in. I feel like I’m standing outside a big beautiful window looking in at a warm, welcoming house at the spot right next to Tasha where I used to sit. Right there we used to be happy. I can see it from here. If only I wasn’t out in the cold, if only I hadn’t made it this way. If only I had been a better person. I would still be there, right next to her.

I didn’t think this thing between us would affect anyone else really. I guess I just didn’t think about it. When something happens between such a close group of people affects everyone. She and Christy reconciled. That’s great, I’m happy for them. I just wish I wasn’t the reason that Tasha sees what Christy did as not so bad.

Today’s just not a good day. Everything is coming in waves. The feelings I have towards myself, towards Tasha, my regrets...everything. It’s all with me today. Some days it’s not as present, some days are better than others but today is not on of those days. Today I hurt. Not just for my loss but for the loss I’ve caused. I hurt because I did the hurting and I wonder how this can ever be better. It seems impossible.

Parting Ways

I know I want to write something about the major changes in my life but I don't really know how to say what I feel. I've recently parted ways with people that were a huge part of my life. One wasn't of no fault of my own and honestly I don't miss him. I know he's talking about Ed and I and it's all lies so the only taste that leaves in my mouth when I think of him is quite bitter. I'm not bitter myself, I've put him to rest in my mind and am happy to think that it was a nice, clean break. That there was no contention between us when I said goodbye. I stated how I felt and said I would never choose "his side" and he thought I should. That's where it ended and I'm okay with that. There is a hole where he used to be, I won't pretent there's not. I loved him and if he wasn't so horrible to Ed and I, I would really miss him. I hate loosing friends for any reason.

The other person completely my fault. The only person to blame for having to say goodbye to someone I will always hold close to my heart is stupid me and I hate it. I used know who I was, I used to stand firm in the quality of my friendship that I offered but that's all shaky now. I feel as tho I've taken up a residency in the space between. This space is between who I used to be and whoever I may become from here. I can't go back to where I was as much as I long to be there again. Gazing at her pretty eyes and standing with her in everything. That window has been slammed shut and locked. I certainly can't just move on, I don't want to. I don't want to go on with my life like nothing ever happened and no one was hurt. I want to fix everything but I can't do that either. So here I stand in the space between. Nowhere to go and nothing left to hold onto.

So I am left with questions...

Where do I go from here?

What do I do next?

How do I keep living a life that has a piece missing?

Am I still a good person?

Does one wrong descision ruin who you really are deep down inside?

Will she ever love me again?

Will I ever be able to think about her and not want to cry because of what I've done to her?

So many questions and no answers.



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May 2008


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